House Meeting Called after Roommate’s Starbursts go Missing

BROOKLYN, NY —Brooklynite Daniel Stash has called an official House Meeting after coming home to find his Starburst fruit chews missing. According to Stash, he left an unopened pack of Tropical flavored Starbursts on top of his dresser before leaving the apartment for work. When he came home several hours later, it was gone.

Apparently, this is not the first breech of trust amongst Stash and his roommates. Johnny Parklish, long time friend and college roommate to Stash, claims to have had two Milk Duds and a canister of mint flavored dip stolen from him just weeks earlier.

With two roommates crying foul, all signs point to third roommate, Winston Sparks, as being the culprit. In his defense, Sparks had this to say: “I’m a diabetic.”

The house meeting is set to take place this evening at 7:30 p.m. EST. Two neighbors and a homeless man have been requested to sit in as neutral parties.

Relevant evidence is to be presented, and each roommate will be given 10 minutes to make their case. Ultimately, the verdict will come down to a majority vote. 

PBR and organic ramen noodles are to be served once the meeting has adjourned. 

Baseball Fans Everywhere Neglect Children in Annual Opening Day Tradition

It’s opening day in Major League Baseball, and fans everywhere are putting their kids on the back burners. Every year, fathers in America get to choose one day to neglect their children. Some choose their personal birthday, some choose Christmas or their kid’s birthday, but the most popular day to neglect one’s child is MLB’s Opening Day.

Results from a national study show that on Opening Day, 3 out of every 5 kids in America will go without dinner. Other results include: 2 out of every 5 children will end up eating macaroni, and 4 out of 5 will end up helping their mom carry their dad to bed.

Baseball is America’s favorite pass time. It’s a sport that reassures us summer is right around the corner, and it is often times coupled with our nation’s second favorite pass time: Gluttony. “I plan on eaten’ about three hot dogs before the National Anthem’s over, and I usually pass out by the seventh inning stretch,” said one father/baseball fan. “It’s about baseball. It’s about tradition. It’s about family,” said another dad/fan when asked if he had called in sick to work or just used a vacation day.

All in all, Opening Day is one holiday that unites baseball enthusiasts all across this country. It boosts national morale and reminds citizens everywhere that even though the economy’s down and unemployment’s up and the government is probably going to shut down again sometime soon, at least there will finally be baseball highlights on Sportscenter.

Written By: Chris Nester

20-Something College Grads Give Up on Job Hunt, Start Smoking Weed Instead

Have you graduated college in the past couple of years? If you answered, “Yes,” then you’re probably unemployed. The current job climate has recent college graduates everywhere wondering what the hell they spent all that money on an education for. As job hunts turn from weeks to months, more and more graduates are giving up on work and giving in to traditional hippie lifestyles.

"it’s just like, I went to college man and I graduated, but now I gotta be a cashier at Whole Foods? Fuck. That." said Charlie Pilsner, who graduated cum laude from his university’s business school in 2010. He and his roommate, Jordan Whinesmith, who graduated with a bachelor’s in criminal justice, have been looking for jobs for almost a year now, but haven’t even been able to find entry-level positions.

Fed-up with the constant rejection and with feelings of entitled anger, the boys quit looking for jobs, bought an old record player, and started smoking copious amounts of marijuana. 

Currently, they both collect food stamps and live in their parents’ basements to save on rent. “Sometimes we’ll have sleep over parties,” said Pilsner, “And we’ll get super high and just play XBOX and watch cartoons on Netflix all night…it’s not like we have work in the morning or anything.” 

With the number of college graduates constantly rising and the number of positions available constantly falling, something’s gotta give — the results of which, could dictate the future of our country.

For now, these two college grads are content with defeat, and as the light at the end of the tunnel seems further and further away, they’re just hoping not to get arrested for possession: “Wait, you’re not a cop are you? You have to tell us if you are cuz that’s entrapment. It’s like, the one useful thing I learned in school,” said Whinesmith, as he frantically searched through old text books for support…he didn’t find any.

Written By: Chris Nester

This Week in Lent: High School Freshman Wishes He Didn’t Give Up Masturbating

Every year, Lent brings with it the opportunity to sacrifice earthly pleasures of all shapes and sizes. Some people give up alcohol, while others may give up cussing or use Lent as a catalyst to finally quit smoking. One high school freshman dared to raise the bar even higher though, when he promised to not masturbate until Easter.

*Tommy Westingson took a bold stand this Easter season, and he’s out to prove to his friends and community that not even teenage hormones can get the best of him: “My friends were all like, ‘There’s no way you can do it.’ So I was just like, ‘Yea I can’…has it really only been two weeks?” Going 40 days without masturbating is unheard of in most American high school circles, and some people would even equate it to not eating or not brushing one’s teeth. “It’s impossible,” said one friend of Westingson’s, who asked to remain anonymous, “His balls are gonna be dragging across the floor in gym class.” 

While Westingson attempts to laugh in the face of a culture dominated by sex, members of the community are standing strong behind his cause: “I think it’s good what he’s doing,” said one faculty member of the boy’s school, who also asked to remain anonymous, “Lord knows I couldn’t do it.”

Will this bold high schooler defy the odds and remain self-celibate? Only time will tell. When asked whether or not there was any strategy behind his decision, Westingson had this to say: “I’ve mostly just been playing a lot more XBOX, and I think I’ve gained some weight too…seriously, it’s only been two weeks?” 

Whether or not you participate in Lent, I think we can all agree on one thing: Tommy Westingson has balls, and they’re about to get a lot droopier. Godspeed Mr. Westingson, you have the support of a nation behind you.

Written By: Chris Nester

*The subject’s name has been modified in order to prevent cyber-bullying.

Teen Wins Free Tickets to NCAA Tournament, Dies Shortly After

March 17, 2011 - Lexington, KY: 

The day was bitter-sweet for 19 year old basketball fan, Kyle Woodford, and his family in what lead to be a classic case of contest-winner turned dead-guy.  Woodford was surrounded by friends and family as his name was drawn and placed into the winner’s bracket for a national, March Madness ticket give-away. The room shook as everyone laughed and cheered in excitement, and it looked as though he and four guests would be attending this year’s NCAA Final Four in Houston, TX. Then tragedy struck.

Suddenly, the roof collapsed. Not the entire roof, just a section directly above where Kyle was standing. He died instantly. While the family mourned the loss of their brother and son, bigger issues, like what to do with the dead-guy’s tickets, began to surface.

"We thought about just burying the tickets with Kyle, but then we realized how fucking stupid that’d be," said Kyle’s older brother, Marcus, who’s planning on scalping his ticket and using the money to tint the windows of his Camaro. Kyle’s mother, Karen, suggested selling the tickets and using the money to help pay for the funeral, but she struggled to find any support for her idea.

So, while the fate of the tickets is TBD, the fate of Kyle Woodford was DOA.

Written By: Chris Nester

Girl on Subway Claims, ‘I look like shit!’ Homeless Man Two Benches Down Begs to Differ

Late Wednesday night, NYU freshman, Carla Ringbert, was heading home from a friend’s apartment. The boy she’s interested in was also at the apartment, but she failed to make a lasting impression. Dejected and self-conscious, Ringbert caught the L train home around midnight. 

The empty train seemed symbolic of her loneliness, and as she looked at herself in her pocket-sized mirror, she was not pleased with what she saw: “I look like shit!” said Ringbert, as she slammed her mirror shut. It was a harmless act of love-sick melodrama, but Carl Stansby, the homeless man sleeping two benches down, was agitated. 

Ringbert had not only woken him from his sleep, she had insulted him with her whiny proclamation of shit-lookingness. Stansby had no choice but to put this young lady in her place: “You don’t look like shit!” exclaimed Stansby, “You look like you ate lunch today! I look like shit! I am shit personified, ya bitch! Ha!” he said, as he stood uncomfortably close to the now terrified girl. 

"I just wanted to teach her a lesson…and I was pretty drunk," said Stansby, who was arrested shortly after his altercation with Ringbert. He was charged with "Intent to scare a white girl," and had his bail set at $5.00 because he’s homeless and literally doesn’t even have $5.00. 

In a perfect world, Ringbert would have learned a valuable lesson from all of this, and Stansby’s jail-time would not be in vain. In reality, she’s a college freshman and mostly just concerned with who’s going to win on “The Bachelor.”

Written By: Chris Nester

Charlie Sheen is a Secret-Muslim-Terrorist (SMT)

Over the past couple weeks, Charlie Sheen has done his best to prove to everyone that he’s crazy. For the most part, Americans have bought-in to Sheen’s bamboozlery, but one man remains skeptical; and that man is me. How do I know it’s all an act? Because I’m smarter than all of you!

Sheen has dominated the news in every media platform. So much so, that I have no other choice but to conclude that he’s a Secret-Muslim-Terrorist (SMT), planted in the U.S. to distract Americans from other SMT activity. The scariest part, my fellow Americans, is that it’s working! 

I’m breaking this story, not because I love the truth, but because I love America. That’s right, I love America, and I refuse to let Charlie Sheen ruin it. I refuse to let him distract us as terrorists cross our borders, and I refuse to let him steal any attention away from me and my blog! How am I supposed to keep up my viewership if Charlie Sheen keeps stealing the limelight? 

Well, I’m on to you Mr. Sheen, and when you’re SMT ties come to light, the people will say, “Rejected Quotes broke the story!” and there will be a parade in my honor. While the rest of the country sits back and indulges in Sheen, I’ll be sitting on my couch, armed with a laptop, ready to cyber-blow terrorism away before it has the chance to corrupt our children and eat OUR apple pie! “Gooooooood bless A-mer-ica, laaaaaaaaand that I looooooooooove…(all together now!)”

The parade is set to take place in my living room tomorrow, 5:00 p.m. EST.

Written By: Chris Nester

Stoner’s ‘Super Pumped’ for Blazers/Nuggets Game

Every year, the Denver Nuggets play the Portland Trail Blazers in a battle for dominance in the Northwest. While this game means a lot to fans in Colorado and Oregon, it means even more to marijuana enthusiasts all across the nation. 

For as long as these two teams have been playing each other, there’s been stoner-watch-parties. In many ways, this game is their “Super Bowl,” no pun intended. It’s the perfect blend of stoner and NBA culture, and while pot-heads generally don’t have much going on anyway, they make sure to turn off the cartoons and tune in to the NBA, if only for a night.

The party planning has already begun for stoner Steve Clementine of Kansas City, Missouri, “Every year, I get super pumped for the game and invite like eighty people over. Usually, a good five or ten show up.” For Clementine, and others like him, the hardest part of throwing a good, stoner-watch-party is motivating people to get off their couches and come over: “Honestly, I don’t blame ‘em. Have you felt how comfortable couches are?” said Clementine.

While some stoners refuse to get off the couch, others just forget there’s a party to go to: “…I knew I was forgetting something,” said stoner Martin Toast, in regards to Clementine’s yearly bash, adding, “I’m just gonna smoke this joint real quick, then I’m totally heading over there.” 

Tune in to ESPN tonight to catch the game. Tip off is at 4:20.

Written By: Chris Nester

Celebrity Haircuts: The Cause of Unrest in the Middle East?

 America has been around for a while, and everyday our streak of not having a revolution gets longer. Why is this? It’s because of celebrity haircuts. How could we possibly be worried about what’s going on in Washington D.C. when JUSTIN BIEBER IS CUTTING HIS HAIR FOR CHARITY!!!?????

 I mean honestly, I’m sure the president and all those C-SPAN people have things under control so why should I care about them? I have my own issues to worry about like, how to keep my look fresh this spring, and what my costume’s gonna be for Halloween next year. But in the Middle East, they don’t have these liberties. I don’t even think they have celebrity’s! All they have is sand, and sand is BOOOORRRRRRIIIINNNNNNNGGGG! 

 All I’m saying is, if they had pop culture in the Middle East like we do in America, they probably wouldn’t have even noticed (or cared) that their governments were oppressive. There wouldn’t be all these boring revolutions going on, and CNN could get back to covering real issues like, celebrity feuds at the Oscars. It’s just like, we get it, there’s revolutions happening in the Middle East, big whoop. What does that even have to do with me? 

 I’m just sayin, the only protest I’ll be attending this year, is the one against wearing corduroy. 

Written By: Chris Nester

Dr. Gives Emergency Expert Opinion, Saves Reporter’s (Social) Life

Last week, Dr. Jake Supponawitz, M.D. saved a woman’s (social) life using nothing but his words. Marine Stanson, a local news reporter for CBSLA was reporting live from an awards show when she suddenly forgot how to talk. Rather than cutting away immediately, the show’s producers let her struggle for just a few moments longer before finally cutting away. 

Moments after this debacle occurred, videos of it were spreading across the internet faster than a Justin Bieber headline. CBS did their best to remove the content from websites like Youtube and Reddit, but even their quick response was too late. The world had seen Stanson, over and over, make an ass of herself on live television. Her (social) life was now in the cold, calloused hands of the internet gods.

Realizing their asses were also on the line, producers of the show acted quickly, and they remembered a key rule of news: People will believe anything if a Doctor says it. 

Stories had started circulating online about a stroke being the cause of the reporter’s mouth and brain not working together. The producers saw an opportunity and capitalized on it using a key news formula: Dr.’s expert opinion + internet speculation = success. Within 24 hours of the event, Supponawitz was on the record saying that the cause of the awful reporting was a “sneak-attack migraine.” According to Supponawitz, this type of migraine is extremely rare, but easily diagnosed.

Once Stanson had a Dr. on her side, the internet followed. “I’m just so relieved to have everything cleared up and my six-figure income still in-tact,” said Stanson, adding “I really, really hope this sheds a new light on the reality and dangers of sneak-attack migraines.” 

Another (social) life is saved, and another Dr. is well-compensated for his medical work. So remember, when you need someone to lie to save your ass, make sure their name starts with “Dr.” and ends with “M.D.”

Written By: Chris Nester